MAVIS AND THE ADA’S

MAVIS AND THE ADA’S

by Richard Banks                        

It was unfortunate, if understandable, that the first recorded words of the red petunia were, “Get away from me, you bitch.” Unfortunate, in as much that great events should, whenever possible, be accompanied by an apt, well turned phrase suitable for inclusion in histories and scientific manuals.    Neil Armstrong’s first words when stepping onto the moon is one of many such phrases. His, “Small step for man, a giant step for mankind,” was neither spontaneous or inspired but at least it attempted, and to some extent succeeded, in expressing the public perception that a new space age, more important and significant than any other age, had begun. Had he, on stepping out, unexpectedly encountered a large lunar creature of unfriendly intent his first words may well have been similar to those of the petunia.

         I mean, look at it from the petunia’s point of view. You have been growing for several months in a window box on the balcony of Mavis Adkin’s flat on the twelfth floor of an unlovely tower block in the unlovely suburb of Grimthorpe. Mavis wants a splash of colour to relieve the monotonous greyness of the building and those about it. This she has said several times to her husband, Sam, and the flowers, on overhearing her, have done their best to oblige. Although not in receipt of detailed instructions as to how they should grow they have listened attentively to everything Mavis has said and learned that her favourite colour is scarlet and that she is particularly fond of a perfume called Evening Delight. Anxious to please, the petunias have produced blooms of the brightest red and breathed out an odour so delightful that Grimthorpe was attracting thousands of visitors wishing to, ‘take the air.’ When Mavis saw a magazine illustration of the hanging gardens of Babylon and imagined herself living in such a place the petunias immediately set to work and within a week made their way down to the tenth floor.

         They had done well, no petunias could have done better which is why Mavis’s savage attack on them was as unexpected as it was alarming. In fairness to Mavis, she had not intended to be alarming, she was merely wanting to cut off one or two blooms for display on her dining room table. The idea that in so doing she would be inflicting pain and emotional distress was no more in her thoughts than garotting her dull and sometimes irritating husband. While she was naturally taken aback to be called a bitch it was not so much the petunia’s choice of words that startled her but the discovery that it had words to speak; she had cultivated many plants from many parts of the world and found them all to be silent witnesses to a world in which disease, drought and the ravishes of plant eating insects frequently threatened their well being.

         Having taken several steps back and inadvertently allowed her secateurs to clatter to the floor, Mavis recovered herself sufficiently to realise that the next few moments were likely to be pivotal in the future relationship between man and plant. Deciding that her mission on behalf of the human race must be to establish peaceful and cordial relations with the petunias she smiled her most ingratiating of smiles and in her best voice introduced herself as, “Me Mavis.” She pointed at the petunia, “and you?” The petunia, quivering with indignation rather than fear, replied that he was well aware of who she was and that he was a Petunia Hybrida Grandiflora Ada. There was an awkward silence which Mavis brought to an end with the revelation that she once had an aunt called Ada. Another of the petunias volunteered the information that he too was called Ada as were all the other petunias in the window box. A third petunia joined the conversation by asking if she could have a drink of water. It had, she said, been rather warm of late, and if Mavis could give them a good sprinkle flavoured with that delicious liquid feed she sometimes treated them to this would greatly assist their downward journey.

         Needing no second bidding Mavis filled her watering can to which she added fifty millilitres of super enriched ericaceous plant food. She returned to the balcony and on asking the plants if they were ready and receiving the reply that they were emptied the entire can onto their bright redheads. For the first time, she was aware of an audible sigh of pleasure.

         “Is that enough?” she asked. The plants assured her that it was probably more than enough and that they felt quite tipsy as a consequence. After a whispered consultation the first petunia to speak expressed his regret at his intemperate language and Mavis graciously responded by assuring the petunias that she had no greater wish than to live in peace and harmony with them all and any other talking flora there might be.

         With these words, an entente cordiale was established that might have been the wonder of the world had not Mavis decided to keep the momentous events of that day to herself. Her reasons for doing so were both selfish and practical. The petunias were her petunias and she had no intention of sharing them with anyone, assuming of course that she be allowed to keep them. In the lawless streets of darkest Grimthorpe, there were criminal gangs who would undoubtedly try and steal them while the Government was likely to insist that their care be transferred to scientists who might subject her new friends to unpleasant medical probing.

          Consequently, she conversed with the petunias only after her husband had departed to his work and no one else was present. She found them convivial companions who having nothing to do but grow were particularly keen to expand their minds by learning all that Mavis could teach them. As she knew very little that was worth knowing and her knowledge of that was very incomplete and confused she chose instead to read them an improving book each week. Of these, she found more than sufficient for her needs in the Grimthorpe Public Library where the most improving books were generally the dustiest. Selecting one on geography that had last escaped the library in 1997 she hurried back to the flat and regaled her students with a comprehensive account of the world’s countries and the oceans between them.

         She found the petunias to be eager and attentive scholars whose prodigious memories absorbed and retained everything that was read to them, and when they learned that the world was just one of many and that some of the others could be seen in the night sky they beseeched Mavis to return to the library for a book on astronomy. And so it continued, one book leading to another until the petunias’ knowledge exceeded everything that could be found on the world’s most powerful computers. They took a particular liking to medical science and through their frequent debating of the principles they had learned were able to dictate learned papers to Mavis on cures for the world’s most prevalent diseases. Sensing that these might be useful to someone who ‘knew about such things’ Mavis presented them to her GP who later won a Nobel Prize and the accolade of, ‘Doctor Cure All’.

         The untroubled passing of long summer days continued until the petunias turned their attention to a book called, ‘Hislop’s History of the World’ in which they discovered that the human race had an unusual and alarming propensity for destroying each other in unfriendly encounters called wars. They recalled the incident involving Mavis and the scissors. Dismissing their earlier thoughts that this had merely been an unfortunate misunderstanding they concluded that their relationship with the human race required immediate reassessment. Their uneasiness concerning their situation was only increased when a group of hooded youths known as the Grimthorpe Scum Boys attempted to set fire to the first petunia to reach the ground floor.

         Having generously concluded that the human race probably had as many virtues as faults they sought a solution to their dilemma in a book of chemistry that had already enabled them to prepare for the winter to come by increasing their resistance to sub zero temperatures. After several days of diligent study a further biological adjustment enabled them to supplement their divine odour with a chemical element that when inhaled by human beings not only erased their aggressive tendencies but removed their capacity for independent thought.

         Henceforth the world was ruled by the petunias who appointed Mavis to announce their many proclamations through a loud hailer from the balcony of her flat, occasionally correcting her faltering pronunciation of long words. As a consequence of their many ingenious and beneficial laws poverty and disease were ended, the world saved from global warming and the nations united in peace and prosperity. Grimthorpe became capital of the world and its unlovely greyness replaced with beautiful new buildings that radiated warmth and light making even the dullest winter day seem like summer.

         A new golden age had begun that might have continued as long as the planet had it not been for the invasion of Agro-Supertroops from the planet Zorgon. But that, dear reader, is a story for another day.

 Copyright Richard Banks