TRICK OR TREAT 

By Peter Woodgate 

“So what’s new,” Jenny thought to herself as she climbed the ladder to take down the Halloween lanterns.

“Same shit different year, here I am, still waiting, it’ll be Christmas soon.”

She moved the ladder along to the next lantern and climbed up to find a wasp’s nest. “Oh shit,” Jenny cursed, “just my bloody luck.”

Retreating down the ladder, with caution, she sighed as her foot touched the ground. “A bloody wasp’s nest,” she thought, I bet those little sods have been nibbling away at the wires.”

    Jenny had become quite handy at fixing things, she had to be, her husband had left her three years ago leaving her to bring up her two boys on her own. It was a case of, fix it or leave it, she simply couldn’t afford to pay anyone else.

    Of course, her brother had been a great help when John left, he had comforted her and assisted with all the D I Y jobs her husband used to do. Jenny had become very efficient in most things and Alan, her brother, often joked that she should have been a builder.

    Yes, Jenny was very independent, but she missed the company. Her two boys were wonderful, and she loved them dearly but missed adult companionship. She had been on dates but never seemed to attract the right sort of man. Those that were physically attractive acted like pigs and those that acted like gentlemen looked like geeks. No matter how she tried she never seem to find someone in-between.

    Anyway, here she was left with a frightening wasp’s nest to deal with and, despite able to tackle most things this was something she, certainly, would not wish to try.

    Jenny sat down in the kitchen and poured herself a large glass of wine and started to think of how to tackle the problem. Her sons George and Michael were out with her Ex for the day and he was due to return them in about an hour. Jenny thought about him for a moment, he was a two-timing bastard and she disliked him intensely, but he should, at least, be able to give her some help.

    John arrived, with the boys, on schedule. He was about to drive off when Jenny stopped him and explained the problem she had with the wasp’s nest.

“Sorry, can’t touch those things,” he answered, bluntly, “you need to get the pest control in for them. See you next week,” he shouted as he drove off. “Yep,” she thought, “he is a bastard."

    After getting the boys settled (she had decided not to mention the wasp’s nest to them) she began looking through the local service guide.

As she turned over the pages an advert on page twelve caught her eye It was headed PEST AWAY and underneath gave a description: Rats, Mice, Insects, Bugs. Guaranteed exterminated or your money back. “Doesn’t mention Ex’s” Jenny thought as she broke into a wry smile.

She noticed that it was a local number and decided to give it a try. “After all,” she thought, “can’t be too expensive for one nest."

    Underneath the number Jenny had seen the words “ask for Dave” and as the phone clicked and a voice answered she blurted out “is Dave there please.”

“That’s me,” he answered cheerfully, Jenny then gave him the details.

“Glad you called those little buggers can be very nasty this time of year.

Look , I’m busy right now but I can call around first thing in the morning,

Is that ok?” 

“Yes, that’s great,” she replied and gave Dave her telephone number and address.

    Jenny packed her boys off to school (first day back after half term) and sat down to enjoy her coffee. She was just about to bite into a slice of toast and marmalade when there was a knock on the door. Jenny answered it and found herself slightly embarrassed as she gazed into the eyes of the handsome stranger stood before her.

    “Hi I’m Dave,” he smiled cheerfully, Jenny blushed before ushering him to the kitchen. “Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?” she found herself asking nervously.

“I’m ok at the moment,” Dave replied, “but as soon as I get rid of your little problem, I will take you up on your offer.”

    They went outside and Jenny took Dave to where the nest was sited.

“It’s up there,” she pointed to the Halloween lantern still hanging from the facia board, “It’s inside the lantern.”

Jenny had left the ladder propped up against the wall, Dave gave one look at it and gasped.

“Oh my god, you didn’t use that did you?”

“Yes,” replied Jenny, “why?”

“Should never use metal ladders or steps near electricity,” Dave shook his head, “I think I will go and get mine off the van.”

Dave trotted off and returned with a wooden set, “right let’s get rid of your little problem, shall we?”

    Jenny suddenly felt mischievous, “would you like me to hold the ladder for you?” she asked, as Dave put on his protective mask and gloves.

“No, best not, health and safety and insurance issues,” Dave replied,

“but you can watch from a safe distance if you wish, shouldn’t take too long.”

She moved away from the ladder but found herself watching Dave as he climbed up, “cute bum,” she thought, feeling somewhat ashamed.

    Dave began squirting his special wasp repellent, cum subduer, all around the nest. “Look,” he shouted down to Jenny, “I don’t want to disturb the nest too much at this stage, is it ok if I take it down with the lantern? I will let you have it back once the nest is destroyed.”

    “OK” replied Jenny and in no time at all Dave was back down the ladder nest and lantern safely enclosed in a sealed bag.

    “Shouldn’t have any more trouble now,” Dave smiled, “time for a cuppa then.”

    Jenny and Dave sat in the kitchen and she found herself opening up to him. Dave listened intently as Jenny blurted out all her problems, he appeared genuinely sympathetic. When Jenny had finished the “War and Peace” of her life Dave smiled and casually replied, “well you won’t catch me getting hitched, restrict my bachelor lifestyle too much.”

 “Oh you’re single then,” Jenny replied excitedly. 

“Sure am” Dave smiled as he stroked the back of her hand.

    Jenny’s hormones erupted and she found herself gazing into his big blue eyes as he leaned forward to kiss her.

    Dave slid out of bed and started to get dressed, “cute bum,” Jenny smiled as she gazed at him admiringly. He came round and sat next to her on the bed and gave her a kiss. ”Look,” Dave hesitated for a moment, “better take my mobile number you can reach me anytime on that, I am rarely in the office you were lucky to catch me last time. Just think at your service day and night.” They both laughed, Dave kissed Jenny, then let himself out.

    Dave had refused to accept any money for the work on the wasp’s nest and as she relaxed back onto her pillow, she couldn’t help thinking that she had scored on two fronts.

    It was a couple of days later and Jenny found herself thinking constantly of Dave, she didn’t want to appear too eager but on the other hand, she just couldn’t wait any longer. She picked up the phone and dialled Dave’s mobile, a female voice answered. ”Hello, Dave’s phone, can I help you?” Jenny was stunned and for a moment didn’t know what to say. 

She gathered her thoughts and in a soft voice replied, “is Dave there please?”  “No, sorry but he’s left his flippin phone behind again, I’m Val, his wife, can I take a message?”

“Eh, no thanks ok,” Jenny hung up abruptly, “bloody bastard,” she swore under her breath. “So what’s new, same old shit, still waiting and it’s nearly Christmas.”

Jenny took a bottle of wine out of the fridge slamming the door shut with her foot, “time to get pissed,” she thought.    

 

Copyright Peter Woodgate