The Road To Recovery.

By Jane Scoggins     

     Living in London had not been easy. Drugs were readily available. Particularly so around the Jamaica Road area where Jackie, homeless and desperate, had ended up in a run down bedsit. She hadn’t cared at the time where she lived, or about anything else. She was in too much of a state, and her drug abuse was out of control. A boyfriend had introduced her to drugs at seventeen. She had left home to be with him. Home was a very unhappy place at the time so she had jumped at the opportunity to leave. When she started to show serious signs of dependency and asked him for more and more money to feed her growing habit he had wanted out, and dumped her. Subsequent partners had not been any good for her either, and she had regularly been abused in one way or another. Reaching rock bottom she had accepted support from the street doctor working at The Elephant and Castle. She had been lucky to have been offered rehabilitation.

    She met Ray in rehab, and both struggled to come clean from heroin. It had been really hard. Anyone not addicted to drink or drugs could not possibly know how hard.

    Ray was a plasterer and carpenter, making good money in and around Notting Hill where wealthy young bankers were buying up property. He had mates he went to the pub with, but he was bored and ambitious and looked around for different company, more exciting than his usual mates. He aspired to a lifestyle more like the rich young bankers. He accepted invitations, however casual, to casinos and the better clubs in London. He found he was a natural at the gaming tables. So, Monday to Friday he was a plasterer and carpenter, and at weekends he was a gambler. At first, he had nothing to do with drugs, he didn’t need them. He got his highs from the thrill of the roll of a dice, or the turn of a card. But as time went by, he started to take the pills and snort the cocaine on offer at private parties, or in the gents' cloakrooms. The sensation achieved made him feel more self-assured in conversation with some of his new more articulate city acquaintances, and around the gambling tables. He liked the girls he met there too. They were easy to pick up and put down. One night stands who would do almost anything for an evening of cocktails and a few of his blackjack chips. Ray became more confident in his looks and charm and played to these strengths. At home, his divorced mother Julie was very happy with the increase in money coming her way and began to rely on the additional spending money for herself. She overlooked any concerns she may have had about his possible drug use. She had her own social life to think about.

    Ray's downfall came, when on three separate occasions, he was in clubs when they were raided by the police, and he was found in possession of, and supplying, heroin and crack cocaine. He was also charged for driving under the influence of drink and drugs on another occasion, and being in possession of heroin. To avoid a prison sentence, and with the encouragement of his mother who worried about the long term loss of income from her son, Ray accepted a fine, a referral to a drug rehabilitation centre and a suspended jail sentence.

   When Ray met Jackie in rehab he was immediately attracted to her. She was pretty, vulnerable, and compliant. They became a couple. With the help of Methadone, they hoped to get back to a normal life, away from the cramps, cravings, and desperation of their lives as addicts. 

     Drawing strength from one another over time they felt confident they were winning the battle and following rehab they moved into a flat together. .But once an addict always an addict they say, and it takes more than medication, to resist the cravings that rise up and demand attention on a daily basis. It also takes willpower and determination. Unfortunately, an opportunity for temptation came Ray’s way that he could not resist, and he accepted a wrap of cocaine. He then could not resist a second and a third, a fourth and a fifth. He returned to the gaming tables to fuel his habit. Earning good money, he reassured Jackie he was in control of his drug use, that it was purely recreational. Over time he became more unpredictable in his behaviour. Jackie knew it was the drugs doing it to him, not the real Ray, and stuck by him. Their history in rehab kept her emotionally bound to him.

 

She really loved him and was as addicted to him as she had been on drugs, and just as dependant. She was determined not to give up on him however difficult, and by whatever means. But Ray's drug use and sometimes losses at the casino fuelled arguments and led to his more frequent aggression. As a result, they eventually parted, very badly. Jackie's heart was broken.

      She got part-time work at a large supermarket which improved her confidence and reunited her with the real world again. She was an equal, no longer a degenerate druggie on the streets, sleeping in the park and smelling like shit. As part of her rehabilitation and return to work, she was also a volunteer at the food bank in Tooley Street. Jackie found the other volunteers friendly and good company and was grateful for their support. They had a good laugh. Because of their individual difficult pasts, she felt tied by an invisible piece of string linking them together. A bit like the invisible string she felt had tied her to Ray, but from which she had been painfully cut free. Jackie stacked the shelves from the boxes and carrier bags of foodstuffs dropped off throughout the week by church groups, shoppers, and charitable organisations. She and the other volunteers acknowledged these acts of human kindness. It helped them put a better perspective on their own lives and a belief in the kindness of strangers.

    Jackie had been split up from Ray for nearly a year when one day he walked into the food bank. She was in the back unloading boxes, and out of sight of the customer counter, when she heard his voice. Her heart skipped a beat. She peeped out around the shelving. He looked ill and unkempt. She was not prepared when one of the volunteers called her name and put her on the spot. She stepped out from behind the shelving without thinking and walked to the counter to help serve. Ray’s face lit up when he saw her, all memories of their last difficult encounter when he had punched her, clearly forgotten. Looking at his disheveled state she felt sorry for him. At his best, he could charm the birds from the trees. He persuaded her to go for a walk through the park after her shift. The inevitable happened; he walked her home and asked if he could stay a few days whilst he sorted himself out and got a job and flat. Jackie decided not to question what had happened to him. He said he had been ill coming off drugs. After a meal, a shower, and a clean shirt from his bag, he looked more like the handsome charismatic Ray she had fallen for and missed so much. He stayed on and she began to feel whole again. That had been three months ago.

    As Jackie lay quietly on the sofa half awake, she dreamt of a happy life with Ray and a reunion with her mother. She had spoken of having a child, maybe moving away and starting again. She had dreamed of marriage but did not think Ray was ready for that, although he constantly told her he loved her and never wanted her to look at another man. He was quite a jealous lover, and Jackie was careful that she did not get into conversation with other men when she was with him. But she didn't mind. No other man had ever been so interested in her, or so protective. It was wonderful to feel loved even if it wasn't always consistent. She slipped further into her pleasant dream. She could hear voices but could not be bothered to wonder if they were real or part of her half dream. She saw Ray smiling at her but it didn’t sound like his voice. No doubt he had come back to apologise, like he always did. She wished now that she hadn't told him she thought she was pregnant. She had hoped he would have been happy. Instead, he had accused her of making a decision without him. She had tried to tell him it was not that way. Realising she had said the wrong thing she back-pedaled and told him she was joking. Men were funny weren’t they, she thought. You never knew if you are saying or doing the right thing. She had misjudged it this time. He was more angry than she could have anticipated.

 Feeling too tired to open her eyes or get up, Jackie wondered what she would do if she actually was pregnant and had a baby, and then slipped into a deep sleep.

   The ambulance crew found Jackie's lifeless body slumped on the sofa, the carpet, and her clothes soaked in dark red sticky blood. A thin rivulet of blood still ebbing from a deep wound. A kitchen knife lay on the floor beside her.

    Ray was picked up by the police the same night, wandering aimlessly and in a distressed state.

 He told the police they had had a row about Jackie being pregnant. He didn’t want a baby, she did. He said if she didn’t get rid of it he was leaving her. She got hysterical and said she would kill herself and the baby. She said she could not bear to lose him again. Yes, he had a temper and he had shouted at her, and remembers slapping her. But the knife was not him. She had waved it over her stomach, he had reached for it. They had stumbled. She fell. He panicked. He could not think straight.

    The post mortem revealed that Jackie was pregnant. There was old and recent bruising on her body. The GP records showed that Jackie had received medical attention, and been prescribed anti-depressants after the previous traumatic break up from Ray. Neighbours said Jackie had been a nice girl. Since Ray's arrival, they had not seen so much of her but had not noticed anything untoward.

    Tesco staff who worked with Jackie were horrified by the news. Her work record had been good and there had been no sign of behaviour that would indicate drug abuse.

    The volunteers at the food bank were genuinely dismayed and upset about Jackie's death and the nature of it. They knew she had had a troubled past. They did notice that Jackie had been quieter and not herself in recent weeks, and wondered if it had had anything to do with the boyfriend she had taken up with again.

    The trial for murder is set for eight weeks time. Ray denies the charges against him. It will be up to the jury to decide whether Jackie died accidentally, or whether Ray caused, or at least contributed to, her death. Not least because he did not call an ambulance. Those that knew Jackie since her stay in rehab said it was a terrible shame. A waste of the life of a young woman who had been determined to battle her addiction, and to turn her life around. A tragic thing to have happened to someone who had apparently been well on the road to recovery.

Copyright Jane Scoggins