DAWN CHORUS

 DAWN CHORUS ~ (OVER SOUTH WOODHAM FERRERS)

By Peter Woodgate 

Oh no, not another “lovey-dovey” (excuse the pun) description of birdsong in the morning, I bet your thinking.

Well, you would be wrong. 

I am going to tell you about the awful cacophony emanating from those little feathered creatures that repeatedly defecate over my freshly cleaned car, and, by flying at an approach angle of exactly 45 degrees, manage to splatter my nice clean windows and frames. 

I set my alarm clock early these days so as not to miss a word they are tweeting.

Yes, that’s right, Words. Over the last two years I have managed to decipher all those tweets, trills, coos and chirps and, consequently, now understand exactly what they are planning. Only yesterday I heard them discussing the day’s strategy.

I remember, clearly, it was the Wood Pigeons that started the ball rolling closely followed by the Magpies and Starlings. The Collared Doves took a back perch whilst the Robins, Tits and Finches had no issues and went their separate ways.

I listened, carefully, as the following plan was agreed.

No 1 Ashman Row

Their car had just been cleaned at the manual car wash, this was considered a waste of water which could endanger the bird population.

The punishment would be two pass-overs with random splatter.

No 15 Ashman Row

3 cats residing at this address, they are called Mangler, Killer and Mugsy. “be careful here comrades,” one of the pigeons piped up, “when their keepers call them in for tea they become Ginger, Fluffy and tiddles.”

“Thanks for that,” the head pigeon went on, “but whatever their names it appears they have been terrorizing the chicks that have recently left the nest.”

“The punishment is to be a repeated flyover of the shed (their favourite sleeping place) this should ensure that they all take unwanted additives back to their Master and Mistress, (house proud, you know).”

No 16 Asman Row

The indiscriminate cutting down of two Leylandi, thus destroying five nests.

Capital punishment was requested here, or at least, the pecking out of eyes.

However, they settled for the lesser option of storing up with berries of a nice dark blue or black colouring. They would then pepper the new white car and recently installed double-glazed frames.

No 17 Ashman Row (oh that’s me)

Failure to refill the feeder with expensive wild bird food used some cheap old stuff from Asda’s.

The punishment, (I held my breath here)

Repeated flyover of freshly oiled wooden garden furniture.

I leapt out of bed, went out in the garden and covered it up. I made the mistake, however, of looking up as I gave them a V sign, haven’t been able to see out of that eye since.

So, there it is, I lay in bed in the mornings listening to the prophets of gloom.

I should, of course, look to get my own back on these foul fowls but I am a softy when it comes to our little feathered friends and would not wish to harm them in any way.

I struggle to suppress a smile however, as I pass my neighbour’s doorstep and spot a pile of freshly chewed feathers.

Copyright Peter Woodgate