The Road To Recovery.
By Jane Scoggins
Living in
She met Ray in rehab, and both struggled to
come clean from heroin. It had been really hard. Anyone not addicted to drink
or drugs could not possibly know how hard.
Ray was a plasterer and carpenter, making
good money in and around Notting Hill where wealthy young bankers were buying
up property. He had mates he went to the pub with, but he was bored and
ambitious and looked around for different company, more exciting than his
usual mates. He aspired to a lifestyle more like the rich young bankers. He
accepted invitations, however casual, to casinos and the better clubs in
Ray's downfall came, when on three separate
occasions, he was in clubs when they were raided by the police, and he was
found in possession of, and supplying, heroin and crack cocaine. He was also
charged for driving under the influence of drink and drugs on another occasion,
and being in possession of heroin. To avoid a prison sentence, and with the
encouragement of his mother who worried about the long term loss of income from
her son, Ray accepted a fine, a referral to a drug rehabilitation centre and a
suspended jail sentence.
When Ray met Jackie in rehab he was
immediately attracted to her. She was pretty, vulnerable, and compliant. They became
a couple. With the help of Methadone, they hoped to get back to a normal life,
away from the cramps, cravings, and desperation of their lives as addicts.
Drawing strength from one another over
time they felt confident they were winning the battle and following rehab they
moved into a flat together. .But once an addict always an addict they say, and
it takes more than medication, to resist the cravings that rise up and demand
attention on a daily basis. It also takes willpower and determination.
Unfortunately, an opportunity for temptation came Ray’s way that he could not
resist, and he accepted a wrap of cocaine. He then could not resist a second and a third, a fourth and a
fifth. He returned to the gaming tables
to fuel his habit. Earning good money, he reassured Jackie he was in control of
his drug use, that it was purely recreational. Over time he became more
unpredictable in his behaviour. Jackie knew it was the drugs doing it to him,
not the real Ray, and stuck by him. Their history in rehab kept her emotionally
bound to him.
She really loved him and
was as addicted to him as she had been
on drugs, and just as dependant. She was determined not to give up on him
however difficult, and by whatever means. But Ray's drug use and sometimes losses at the casino fuelled
arguments and led to his more frequent aggression. As a result, they eventually
parted, very badly. Jackie's heart was broken.
She got part-time work at a large
supermarket which improved her confidence and reunited her with the real world
again. She was an equal, no longer a degenerate druggie on the streets,
sleeping in the park and smelling like shit. As part of her rehabilitation and
return to work, she was also a volunteer at the food bank in
Jackie had been split up from Ray for
nearly a year when one day he walked into the food bank. She was in the back
unloading boxes, and out of sight of the customer counter, when she heard his
voice. Her heart skipped a beat. She peeped out around the shelving. He looked
ill and unkempt. She was not prepared when one of the volunteers called her
name and put her on the spot. She stepped out from behind the shelving without
thinking and walked to the counter to help serve. Ray’s face lit up when he saw
her, all memories of their last difficult encounter when he had punched her,
clearly forgotten. Looking at his disheveled state she felt sorry for him. At
his best, he could charm the birds from the trees. He persuaded her to go for a
walk through the park after her shift. The inevitable happened; he walked her
home and asked if he could stay a few days whilst he sorted himself out and got
a job and flat. Jackie decided not to question what had happened to him. He
said he had been ill coming off drugs. After a meal, a shower, and a clean shirt
from his bag, he looked more like the handsome charismatic Ray she had fallen
for and missed so much. He stayed on and she began to feel whole again. That
had been three months ago.
As Jackie lay quietly on the sofa half
awake, she dreamt of a happy life with Ray and a reunion with her mother. She
had spoken of having a child, maybe moving away and starting again. She had
dreamed of marriage but did not think Ray was ready for that, although he
constantly told her he loved her and never wanted her to look at another man.
He was quite a jealous lover, and Jackie was careful that she did not get into
conversation with other men when she was with him. But she didn't mind. No
other man had ever been so interested in her, or so protective. It was
wonderful to feel loved even if it wasn't always consistent. She slipped further
into her pleasant dream. She could hear voices but could not be bothered to
wonder if they were real or part of her half dream. She saw Ray smiling at
her but it didn’t sound like his voice. No doubt he had come back to apologise,
like he always did. She wished now that she hadn't told him she thought she was
pregnant. She had hoped he would have been happy. Instead, he had accused her of
making a decision without him. She had tried to tell him it was not that way.
Realising she had said the wrong thing she back-pedaled and told him she was
joking. Men were funny weren’t they, she thought. You never knew if you
are saying or doing the right thing. She had misjudged it this time. He was
more angry than she could have anticipated.
Feeling too tired to open her eyes or get up,
Jackie wondered what she would do if she actually was pregnant and had a baby,
and then slipped into a deep sleep.
The ambulance crew found Jackie's lifeless
body slumped on the sofa, the carpet, and her clothes soaked in dark red sticky
blood. A thin rivulet of blood still ebbing from a deep wound. A kitchen knife
lay on the floor beside her.
Ray was picked up by the police the same
night, wandering aimlessly and in a distressed state.
He told the police they had had a row about
Jackie being pregnant. He didn’t want a baby, she did. He said if she didn’t
get rid of it he was leaving her. She got hysterical and said she would kill
herself and the baby. She said she could not bear to lose him again. Yes, he
had a temper and he had shouted at her, and remembers slapping her. But the
knife was not him. She had waved it over her stomach, he had reached for it.
They had stumbled. She fell. He panicked. He could not think straight.
The post mortem revealed that Jackie was
pregnant. There was old and recent bruising on her body. The GP records showed
that Jackie had received medical attention, and been prescribed anti-depressants after the previous traumatic break up from Ray. Neighbours said
Jackie had been a nice girl. Since Ray's arrival, they had not seen so much of
her but had not noticed anything untoward.
Tesco staff who worked with Jackie were
horrified by the news. Her work record had been good and there had been no sign
of behaviour that would indicate drug abuse.
The volunteers at the food bank were
genuinely dismayed and upset about Jackie's death and the nature of it. They
knew she had had a troubled past. They did notice that Jackie had been quieter
and not herself in recent weeks, and wondered if it had had anything to do with
the boyfriend she had taken up with again.
The trial for murder is set for eight weeks time. Ray denies the charges against him. It will be up to the jury to decide whether Jackie died accidentally, or whether Ray caused, or at least contributed to, her death. Not least because he did not call an ambulance. Those that knew Jackie since her stay in rehab said it was a terrible shame. A waste of the life of a young woman who had been determined to battle her addiction, and to turn her life around. A tragic thing to have happened to someone who had apparently been well on the road to recovery.
Copyright
Jane Scoggins