FLAT PACK FURNITURE

By Peter Woodgate 

I must be a glutton for punishment, for each time my wife (Jo) shows me a glowing picture of a piece of furniture, she thinks we must have, I smile and say, “oh yes, that looks nice.”

Then, too late, I realize she is looking at the NEXT magazine and that invariably means, dare I mention the words, Flat Pack.

    So, the day arrives, according to the text received on her mobile, that, the said item, is due for delivery.

    Beads of sweat appear on my forehead as if by magic, and that is before I try to pick up the box that contains the reason for my torment. After struggling to drag the heavy box inside I open it carefully and extract the instructions. On page one, in large and bold lettering, are the words BEFORE YOU GET STARTED. So, I read on, with interest, and failing to see anything that, suggests I should lie down in a darkened room for twenty-four hours, I begin, gently extracting each piece.

    As I take out each piece I lay them down in numerical order, numbers six and nine can be a problem but they don’t catch me out as I have my trusted magnifying glass handy. Without this specialist equipment I would never see the minute dash, almost secretly marked and shown at the bottom of these numbers. This does, of course, avert the need to stand on my head.

    Catastrophe avoided I check all the cams and bolts and dowels and screws, then, happy that they have included a few extras, begin the construction.

    Whilst reading the BEFORE YOU GET STARTED, I noticed that:

 

(a)    Two persons are recommended for the construction of this piece

(b)   Assembly time thirty minutes

(c) Tools needed screwdriver (not supplied) 

 

 

Of course, now being an expert on flat packs, I decide that two people is a non-starter, we have nearly come to blows in the past.

The time suggested is ludicrous, it usually takes, at least, three times of that suggested.

As far as tools is concerned, I think I must have part ownership in the local B&Q store.

( My nickname is “tools is I).

However, despite being an expert (my words not Jo’s) I still get annoyed at the “exploded diagrams” (designed by some highly paid architect no doubt) that necessitate the careful counting of the black dots shown on each piece. The frustration is, however, that it does not name the fitting that is to be inserted into each of these holes. I can’t tell you how many times I have inserted a dowel into one meant for a bolt, and vice versa.

    I know what you are thinking, I ought to be able to recognize each piece by it’s size. Well, it seems, I am not very good at judging size (according to Jo) as I often think something is larger than it actually is.

    Anyway, I proudly struggle on, even though I am in need of another pair of arms, and find one of the dining room chairs is as able as Jo (and doesn’t moan at me when I make a mistake)

 

    Right, all is in place and the finishing touch is to tighten up the cams. I had noted the specific advice quoting, “don’t stop until two o-clock lock.”  Well, it’s bloody four o-clock now so don’t really know what they are on about. What I do know is, that when assembled, some of the cams cannot be reached using a normal length screwdriver. So, use a smaller one.

“muppet” you are thinking. Ok, so I try a smaller size but, and this is quite important when I try the smaller one the cross-head is smaller too and doesn’t tighten up the cam.

    What do I do now? Well, I told you I was an expert, and being a genius as well I hack-sawed one of my larger screwdrivers making it a short-handled large crosshead one. I should patent this, what do you think?

 

    Now it’s time for me to exhibit my masterpiece for inspection. “OK” I shout “come and have a look at the bookcase, I’ve finished”

 

    Jo enters the room and my smile turns to a puzzled frown as I hear her say, in a quiet but sarcastic tone, “I didn’t order a bloody bookcase, where the Hell are the draws?”

 

“Oh,” I reply, rather sheepishly, “I wondered what these things were for, thought they were part of the packing

 

Well, I did manage to salvage the construction and since then, when glancing at this superstructure I can’t suppress a smile.

    However, only yesterday, my curiosity got the better of me and suddenly had the urge to pull open the draws (which had been the reason for a limited silent period).

I opened up the first of the three draws and was shocked when looking at the contents, yes, you guessed, bloody books.

 

Copyright Peter Woodgate