Acrophobia

By Jane Goodhew

Today was important but I was not sure if I could go through with it as ever since I was a small child, I had had an irrational fear of having my feet anywhere other than on the ground. Okay, that was a slight exaggeration as I did not sleep on the floor and I travelled by plane to lands far afield, as far as New Zealand and Raratonga so I had been high, high above the clouds and no harm had befallen me. This was different, I would not be seated in a tin can with a seat belt around me and people to talk to or ignore depending on my mood and theirs.

 

                               

        

 

I had accepted a new position and foolishly had not done my homework first for if I had I would most certainly have said a distinct NO! It was too late now for I had signed on the dotted line and there was no turning back as I had worked all my life to get this job. To get to the top of the ladder figuratively speaking, which was the irony of it all. Once I had found out that the office was on the 72^nd floor and I had panoramic views across the whole of the city as it was mainly glass, I went straight into panic mode.  The room span, I felt sick and could not think about anything but trying to breathe and not just drop dead there and then. I took deep breaths and concentrated on my feet so that I could at least feel the ground beneath them. I tried to remember all that I had been taught over the years of therapy as I had not wanted to take medication and become addicted to a pill when the fear was in my mind therefore under my control. I sometimes wonder about that when I struggle just to survive without everyone noticing what is happening to me. When friends tell me not to be so silly and just get there, get on with it, and enjoy the fantastic views that most people would die for! All the rewards that come with being top dog in such a prestigious firm.  That was exactly what was wrong with me, I felt as if I would die and how would that look in the middle of a board meeting?

Shaking like a leaf on a tree in a storm, like a jellyfish in the shallow water having been thrown by a large wave. My eyes well up with tears as the fear takes grip and no matter how much I try to rationalize it just the thought is enough to put me into a state of panic.

 

I sit down and talk to myself as if I were a simple child, I think of , what do I think, that’s just it I can’t think, all I can do is put my head in my hands and wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.    I try to imagine I am free, free as a bird soaring high in the sky and I can look down on the world without fear, without having a full-blown panic attack. I am free.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright Jane Goodhew