DHSS ADVICE

DHSS ADVICE NOTE 338

Thanks to Richard Banks for the submission

In a recent survey conducted by Age Concern, street watching was found to be the favourite recreational activity of 63% of pensioners in the seventy to eighty-nine age group. The same survey, when  extended to people of non-pensionable age, also found that the visual intrusions of elderly neighbours cause more social friction than any of their other behaviours, including cat poisoning and witchcraft.

      The purpose of this circular is, therefore, to advise practising street watchers, and those about to take up this hobby, on how it can be carried out while at all times maintaining peaceful relations with the observed.

Tip 1

      All watching should, if possible, be unobserved. If someone doesn’t know they are being watched they have no reason to complain. Place a large pot plant in the watching window and sit behind it at all times. Camouflage jackets intended for jungle warfare can be purchased from many High Street outfitters and provide excellent concealment for those parts of the watcher likely to be visible on either side of the plant. If it should be necessary to peer over the plant, the wearing of a Christmas wreath on top of the head is also recommended. While many experienced watchers also apply face paint, it should always be removed when undertaking other activities, such as shopping or family visits. Forgetful pensioners prone to senior moments beware! 

Tip 2

      If your efforts at concealment should prove unsuccessful, maintain your surveillance operation by methods not requiring direct interface with the necessary window. The positioning of several large mirrors on the wall opposite the window will allow you to observe the street - and all those in it - while keeping your back to the said window at all times. While this has proved to be a satisfactory method of observation for many watchers it suffers from the disadvantage that reflected sunlight is a contributory factor in 4.2% of road accidents during the summer months, June to August. Ensure that you are adequately insured, otherwise claims for damages could make your little hobby more expensive than a second home on the Algarve.

      An option preferred by an increasing numbers of watchers is closed circuit television (CCTV). Installed ostensibly for reasons of security, cameras enable the watcher to view on-street activity on his or her television in a room not fronting the viewing area. It has the additional advantage that all passing movements are captured on film, enabling the replay of particularly interesting sequences.

      While static cameras provide only limited coverage of passing cars and pedestrians, much of the equipment presently on sale has one hundred and eighty degree vision enabling extended time viewing over distances of several hundred yards. However, beware! Modern day cameras are more collectable than much of the property they are installed to protect. Many go missing only to reappear outside the homes of bargain seeking watchers.

Tip 3

      The brazen approach. Make no secret of the fact that the street is constantly within your field of vision. Acknowledge all those passing with a cheery wave or a thumbs up sign. If challenged be ready with one of the following explanations:

i) I am a bird watcher undertaking a survey for the Wildlife Trust. To back up this claim you should ensure that several books on British birds are easily visible to anyone peering through your window from the other side.

ii) similarly, nocturnal observations can be justified by a professed interest in astronomy. Again, make sure that the necessary books are to hand, and that you have sufficient knowledge of the subject to identify at least three constellations. An additional advantage of methods i and ii is that they provide convincing explanations for your use of optical equipment, such as binoculars and telescopes.

ii) alternatively you can claim that you are a member of the Neighbourhood Watch, and that your watching activities are an essential part of the fight against crime. To prevent being outed by genuine members of the Watch, those favouring this approach should seriously consider joining that organisation.

Tip 4

      Outside activities, such as car washing and gardening, also provide excellent opportunities for street watching. Make good use of peripheral vision, and avoid excessive pruning of trees and bushes. Remember that although your neighbours may admire the cleanliness of your car, your readiness to wash it more than six times a week may arouse their suspicions.

Tip 5

    Street watching for periods in excess of nine hours a day has been identified as a category two psychiatric disorder requiring many hours of expensive therapy. Don’t let your obsession become your therapist’s goldmine. Join a branch of Snoopers Anonymous. Break the habit and take up a less harmful hobby, such as cage fighting.

For further advice and information see the DHSS website:dhssweirdthingsbestavoided. 

 

Submitted by Richard Banks