The
Sweet Man
By Janet Baldey
‘Soul mates.’
‘We were made for each other.’
‘You bring colour to my life.’
Well used phrases, frayed around the edges yet they
sounded brand new as he looked into my eyes, his hands cupping my face. They (he) made me feel special. They (he) made me feel that, at last, I’d
found the man I’d been waiting for.
Both married, although not to each other and not
happily, he told me about his wife the first time we went out together. Tucked into a dim alcove of a local pub, our
knees touching as a log fire spat and distant laughter swirled towards us, his
face was solemn.
‘Agoraphobic.
Terrified of germs. She hasn’t
left the house for fifteen years. Her mother used to live a few doors down the
road and just before she died, Rachael forced herself to visit. When she got back, before she entered the
house, she stripped off all her clothes and hosed herself down in the back
garden. Then she spent a full hour in
the shower, scrubbing herself sore. I
wasn’t allowed to bring her clothes back in - had to burn them.’
In turn, I told him about Aleck. He was twenty years older than me, a violinist
who lived for his music. I suppose I
was sort of trophy wife, someone he could feel proud to have on his arm but
then I fell pregnant and it all changed.
When our daughter was born I couldn’t go away on tour with him and when
he got back, he couldn’t stand to hear her cry;
he had sensitive ears, couldn’t bear ugly noise, he said. As she grew older it didn’t get any better,
whenever her prattle disturbed him, he snapped like a vicious dog and retreated
to his study. Soon, he began to stay
away for longer periods. I’m pretty sure he had another woman but by
that time I was past caring. Amelia and I were better off on our own. Even now, with Amelia married and Aleck
retired and back home, I still don’t care although I’ve a cold spot deep inside
that nothing can warm.
Joe had nodded slowly and sipped his beer.
‘I think we’ve got a lot in common. I’m so glad we
met.’
But I hadn’t been. Not at first.
I didn’t like change and when my previous boss left for pastures
greener, I’d worried and asked around.
‘What’s he like, this new chap? The one that’s taking over from Bob.’
‘Oh, he’s nice.
You’ll like him. He’s a sweet
man.’
His looks didn’t impress, tall and stoop-shouldered, with pale eyes that had spent too much time staring at a computer
screen, he certainly wasn’t the sort to bowl a maiden over. But, when he smiled it was as if he’d been
lit from within and that was all it took to change my mind.
Joe reached across the table and as his hand
covered mine, I felt a delicious tingle.
‘Of course, I could never leave Rachael. It would destroy her.’
As for me, who could leave a 70-year-old man
without a domesticated bone in his body?
Seven years is a long time and I have so many
memories. Stolen nights spent together
when Aleck was on tour and Joe was supposed to be at a conference. Every Tuesday was special. I took an evening course in Spanish simply
because they were held on that day when Joe was supposed to be at his camera
club. Needless to say, I didn’t
progress in Spanish and Joe almost forgot how to take photographs. Instead, we spent the evenings tangled
together in the back seat of the cinema like the couple of teenagers we felt
ourselves to be. Romantic candle-lit suppers long walks in the
country, the occasional lecture on ancient history, we were happy just to be
together. And when we weren’t, there were always the
text messages. I learned to live for my Nokia. In the early years, the little yellow
envelope would pop up hourly, sometimes more.
We had long-running ‘themes’ in which we’d each try to outdo the other
in frivolity, the messages zipping through
the ether like quickfire only falling silent when our imaginations failed. Once, I remember going on holiday with Aleck
and missing Joe so much that I sent him a text. ‘I’M MISERABLE. SAY SOMETHING FUNNY’. I got a one word reply - ‘MARTIN’ - the name of a pompous colleague we used to
laugh at. And always, last thing at
night, those twin messages ‘CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.’
He always said he could talk to me about anything
and know I’d understand. One day in the
park, a small boy had fallen over just in front of him.
‘He just lay there red-faced and bawling with pain
and shock. Without thinking, I picked
him up and brushed him down. I heard a
scream and looked up to see a woman running towards me. She shouted something and, for the first
time, I saw myself through someone else’s eyes. A shabby, middle-aged man who might just as
well have had the word‘PAEDO’ branded
on his forehead. I just turned and
walked away feeling as if I’d done something wrong.’
He’d looked at me and his eyes were raw.
‘I can’t tell Rachael. It would upset her.’
I’d squeezed his hand, not knowing what to
say. The sad thing was, I could imagine
what had been going through that woman’s mind and even worse, I sympathised. Joe had never cared about his appearance, just
threw on whatever was to hand and as he did his own laundry, it tended to be
crumpled. If I’d been that woman maybe
I would have reacted in the same way.
The end, when it came, was insidious. Foreboding tottering on baby steps towards
realisation. When he could, Joe gave me
a lift to work. I’d meet him at the ‘bus
stop so as not to arouse suspicion. It
always gave me a thrill to see his car parked up waiting for me and he never
let me down. One day I got in and
started prattling on about something, I forget what now. He made a slight noise and when I looked at
him my world teetered on its axis.
There was an expression on his face I hadn’t seen before. Exasperation? Irritation?
Boredom? I stared. Then his face cleared, he grinned and was
his old self again. But unsettled, I
watched for other signs and when they came, dwelled on them obsessively.
He told me about a man who fell asleep at the wheel
because he’d been texting his girlfriend all night.
‘All night!’
‘Must have been the start of their relationship.’
His voice was bitter and a chill worked its way
down my spine. His text messages to me
had been steadily dwindling.
His very last was one that read ‘FEEL SO DOWN, SO
LOW’. Immediately, I replied.
‘WHAT’S WRONG DARLING? DON’T WORRY. I STILL LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS EVER.’
I never did get a reply.
The next day, I accompanied Aleck on a planned
holiday to Venice
and trailed around after him, wilting in the heat, my face aching from holding
a fixed smile in place. In the evenings,
I sat in silence while he argued with the waiters, feeling sick at heart and
worried to death. I still hadn’t heard
from Joe and at last, in desperation, had asked him outright. ‘DO YOU WANT TO END OUR RELATIONSHIP?’ Minutes, hours, days, my mobile remained dead
and I knew I had my answer. Even so, I
couldn’t quell a faint flicker of hope – after all, ‘phones do malfunction.
I thought everyone could hear the thudding of my
heart as I walked into the office on my return. The first thing I did was to look towards
his desk. It was stripped bare and I
felt the blood leave my face. People looked at me strangely when I
asked. Early retirement - it had been
planned months ago.
I still don’t understand why. Had I grown too demanding, perhaps tedious? Was there really such a thing as the ‘seven
year itch’ or was it simply that we’d been on a train going nowhere and it had
just reached the buffers?
‘Get it all down on paper.’ My counsellor said. ‘Write it out of your system and when you’re
done, burn it. It’ll help, I
promise. It’s cathartic.’
I strike a match and hear it sizzle just before I
feed it the paper. The edges blacken
and curl before being consumed by the hungry orange mouth and soon only a mound
of silvery ash remains. I reach out a
finger and poke it, seven years of my life - the happiest ones. I wonder if the counsellor is right. If she is, why am I still crying and why
can’t I forget that look on his face?
Copyright Janet Baldey