Breakdown

By Janet Baldey

A soft, but insistent, whine gradually brought Nora back.  With an effort, she opened her eyes and realised she was still sitting on her bed, not even dressed.  A wet nose nudged her tightly locked hands and she looked down to see her dog staring up at her, its brown eyes anxious.  Oh God, it had happened again.  She could remember waking up but then nothing.  She’d had episodes like this before and dreaded the spreading darkness that threatened.

She licked her lips, her mouth felt thick and sour as if she’d been eating dry cement. It was the sleeping tablets.  She should stop taking them but then she’d either not sleep or be plunged into terrifying nightmares that sent her body flying upright into the night. They were bad but perhaps the happy dreams were worse.  They’d be together again. She’d awake, cocooned in a drowsy stupor and turn, expecting to see his familiar shape next to her, but his side would be empty, and then she’d remember.

         The dog’s nose thrust deeper into her hand.  He was hungry she realised and forced herself to stand. On unsteady legs she walked into the kitchen, seeing that the sun was up and streaming through the windows, decorating the flagstones with lemon-coloured oblongs of light.  She ladled food into the dog’s dish. He needed a walk.  For that matter so did she.  “They” whoever they were, said that exercise was ‘good for the mind’, it chased away depression and put things into perspective.  She hoped they were right. After all, that was what she and Ian had come here for. Perspective. At first sight, they’d both fallen in love with the old stone cottage set high above the cliffs with the moors an endless mauve haze on one side and the sea on the other.  It was their dream home.  Resolutely, she squeezed her eyes shut damming the tears.

         Outside, she lifted her face to the sky where mares’ tails stretched towards the horizon and after a few seconds, she started to run. Paddy bounded along, leading the way and with a river of wind streaming through her hair, she began to feel better.  Blood thrummed through her veins and the fresh air cooled her cheeks as she followed the dog down the track towards the blue glimmer of the sea.  In better days she’d often followed this route, it led close to the edge of the cliff where it veered right and ran down to the cove.  She blanked her mind and concentrated solely on the track as she ran, a turned ankle would be the last straw.  Suddenly, she heard a high-pitched bark and looked up to see Paddy’s rear end disappearing from sight.  He’d obviously sighted a rabbit, something he couldn’t resist.

         Her heart ratcheted up a notch as she realised they were very near the cliff edge, so near she could hear the booming of the waves as they thrashed the cliffs face.

         “Paddy, no,” she yelled.  “Bad dog, come back.” Realising her mistake she hastily changed tone. “Good dog, come back, Biccy,” she wheedled. Neither had any result and her stress levels soared.  She couldn’t lose him as well, not after everything else.

         Not running now but sprinting, she reached the turn of the path and saw that her fear was very close to fruition.  Paddy was charging full pelt towards the edge of the cliff, chasing something she couldn’t see.  At the last moment,
he realised and tried to skid to a halt but his momentum carried him forward and to her horror she saw him disappear over the edge. 

         “Paddyeee”, she screamed his name but only the wind answered. She’d always been terrified of heights but ran as close to the edge as she dared before dropping to her knees and crawling nearer, her fingers using the turf as an anchor as she peered over the cliff.  Wind flooded her eyes with salt and desperately she blinked the tears away.  She had been hoping that a stray bush had broken his fall but the cliff face was sheer, dropping hundreds of feet towards the grave that all sailors feared.  Suddenly her mouth opened and she gasped as a tiny plume of white foam appeared in the middle of a vast blue stretch of ocean. Seconds later she saw a dark speck appear, battling in and out of the waves.  She shivered as she watched.  Paddy was a muscular springer spaniel and loved the water but even he couldn’t be expected to conquer that amount of sea. Time and again she saw him rise to the surface only to disappear before he rose again.  She also realised he was swimming in the wrong direction, not towards the beach but away from it and her throat ached as she screamed her frustration.

         Desperately she scrabbled in her pocket for her mobile.  The coastguards, they were the only people who might help, but did they turn out for dogs?  She could only hope and she had to do something.  She would beg and plead If that’s what it took.  To her relief, someone answered on the first ring and immediately some of her tension fell away.  The voice was rich, deep and plummy reminding her of long-ago Christmases.  She took a deep breath and tried to marshal her thoughts but her words exploded like a scattergun discharging its contents.

         “Take a deep breath, Miss, and start again.” The man sounded patient, as if he had all the time in the world.

         “My dog….fallen off the cliff.  He’s in the water and swimming out to sea.  Please help him.”

         “And whereabouts are you, Miss?”

         For one terrifying moment, her mind went blank and her nails dug deep into her palms.  Then she remembered.  “St Anne’s Cove.”

         “I’ve got you.  Don’t worry my love.  He’s probably swimming out to the sandbank, that’s just off the shore. He’ll get a bit if respite there and we’ll send a boat round, right away.” Then he was gone.

         For a moment she crouched on the cliff’s top, breathing heavily and drenched with sweat.  Bracing herself, she peered over the edge again, dreading what she’d see. But what she did see was a miracle. A thin brown line had appeared in front of Paddy and as she watched, he clambered onto it.  It seemed that all the breath in her body left in one gush of relief.  It must be the sandbank. She prayed to God it would last until the lifeboat arrived.

         She had to get to the beach.  There was a rough path spiralling down to the cove and in happier days she’d used it often.   Whenever Ian was due back from one of his fishing trips, she’d keep watch and as soon as she saw the white sails of his yacht see-sawing amid the waves she’d stop whatever she was doing and run-on sunshine down to the cove. But today, instead of her heart beating with happiness, it was fluttering with anxiety.  She knew the sea, knew how unpredictable it was and Paddy was at its mercy.

         She ran past blurring masses of Rosemary, Cornflowers and Sea kale until she felt shingle crunching underneath her feet.  At the water’s edge she stood, shading her eyes as she stared seaward.  The bar seemed smaller as if the sea was taking great bites out of it and her pulse hammered.  Her eyes switched to the horizon and to her great relief she saw the lifeboat rounding the headland, a trail of white foam marking its progress as it sped towards the narrow ridge of sand.  It dropped anchor a little way off and her vision blurred as tears of relief welled.  Rubbing them clear, the next thing she saw was a rib leaving the sandbank and heading towards her. 

         He looked god-like as he leaped out of the dinghy and strode through the waves towards her.  His hair was a burnished helmet clinging to his head and as he drew nearer she saw that his eyes were the clearest blue she’d ever seen.  A soaking wet Paddy was cradled in his arms and he was carrying the dog as if it were a feather. 

         “Here we are,” he said, handing Paddy over and she could have warmed her hands on the radiance of his smile.

 She staggered under her dog’s weight and soon Paddy’s tongue was licking away her tears and she buried her face in his salt-caked fur. At last, she raised her head to thank the man and as she did, something wondrous happened.  She looked into his eyes and all her worries disappeared.  While waiting for the tide to lift, they talked and the words came easily.  He wanted to know if she was a local and she told him how they had come to live here. Then, without meaning to, she found herself telling him things that she’d never before discussed with a living soul. She told him about Ian and what it had been like when their love ended.  She told him of how she’d found him clutching his chest and heaving for air, his face deep purple and how she had been holding his hand when he passed and that his last words had been “ I’m dying. I love you.”

He put an arm around her and all at once she felt at peace.  She hadn’t mentioned her guilt but he seemed to know. “Nora.” He said gently, “You were always great comfort to him and never more so than at that time.   All he wants now is for you to be happy. He knows that you feel you failed him but you didn’t.  You did everything you could.  It was simply his time.”

She wouldn’t have accepted this from anybody else.  What did anyone know about what happened and how she felt.  How she would trade the whole world to turn the clock back.  Bitter words rose to her lips but then she looked into his eyes and believed.  Immediately it felt as though the tight wires that had been binding the shell of her body together fell away, freeing her from all mental pain.

As she watched him start to wade towards his boat, she couldn’t find the words to thank him but instinctively felt she didn’t need to.   She would see him again, she was sure of it.  Suddenly, he turned.

“The lads are having an open day in aid of the Lifeboat Association tomorrow.  If you’re free why don’t you come along?  They serve excellent tea and biscuits.  My name’s Gabe by the way.”

The way back to the cottage was steep and rocky but she felt as light as a balloon being towed by a piece of string as climbed up the cliff path.  Happiness, a sense she thought she’d never feel again, folded her in a warm cuddle.  The colours of the day seemed almost overwhelming. The petals of the yellow, mauve and pink wildflowers, muted on the way down, were so vivid as to be almost luminous, and she could clearly see tiny black insects clambering around amongst them. 

Energy pulsed through her.  She would go tomorrow, she promised herself and she’d make some cookies to take with her.  She couldn’t wait to see Gabe again and realised this was the first time in three years that she’d go to bed looking forward to the next day.

 

***

She opened her eyes and for a minute lay still, hearing the tiny birds flirting in the ivy clinging to the cottage.  Her eyes shifted to where a tangle of hair decorated the pillow next to her, and she listened to his soft snores.  As she had so many times before, she remembered what happened and thought that if she lived for a hundred more years she would never get over the strangeness of it.

Armed with a tin of biscuits and as big a donation as she could afford, she’d gone to the Lifeboat’s Open Day.  She and Paddy had been given a warm welcome and Paddy had become quite foolish over all the attention he received. 

“So this is the famous disappearing dog.”  An athletic looking girl bent down to pet him.  “You gave us a real run-around didn’t you, lad.”

At the time, Nora had thought that remark odd but within a few seconds it had become lost in the general turmoil as the crew took notice and turned around. Introducing themselves, one by one.  There was a Harry, a Tom, a Judy, a Pat but no Gabe, she noticed.

“I’m so sorry he caused you all so much trouble,” Nora said, “But I shall never stop being grateful to you and especially to Gabe.”

“Well, we didn’t do much but don’t you worry, my love.  We’re used to false alarms and we don’t mind a bit.  A happy outcome is all we ask.”

False alarm? Nora frowned, there must be wires crossed somewhere.  She looked around the room for Gabe, he would sort things out. 

“Where is  Gabe?” she asked.

“Skiving off, if I don’t miss my guess.  He’s not a fan of crowds. Gabe!” Nora jumped as the man known as Harry, hollered and she saw a slim, dark man detach himself from another group and head towards them. Nora watched him, shaking her head. This was not Gabe.

“Friend of yours, asking for you Mate.  I’ll leave you to it then.” Harry turned away with a knowing smile, leaving the two of them blinking at each other.  “I’m sorry,” Nora said. “Wrong Gabe I’m afraid.  I meant the blond one.”

“We haven’t got another one Miss.  I’m the only Gabe here stupid enough to get involved with this lot.”  The man laughed, then stopped as he noticed her expression. He lowered his voice.

“Come on, let’s have a cup of tea and I’ll try and sort things out.  Something’s troubling you, isn’t it, and you know what they say about troubles.”

But even with the help of tea, he only corroborated what the others later confirmed. 

“I was on duty yesterday and we did go out to help a dog that had got itself marooned on a sandbank.  But when we got there, we couldn’t find it, so we assumed it had got itself off.  They sometimes do that, you know.”

As she listened, Nora felt waves of faintness wash over her, feeling as if she had got trapped in a parallel universe.  Although there was no reason for anyone to lie, she knew, without a shadow of doubt, what had happened yesterday.  Paddy had been saved by a tall, blond man called Gabe and they’d had a long conversation of which she could remember every word.  What on earth was going on?  Suddenly, she just wanted to go home.

She put her cup down and turned, then staggered as the room whirled around her.  

“Hey, hold on.  You’re in no fit state to walk about.  Do you need a lift?  My car’s outside.”  The dark man’s voice sounded anxious and she nodded.

As they drew up outside her cottage, he looked at it and then back at her.  “Nice place, but it’s a bit isolated.  Do you live here alone?”

She nodded again.

“In that case, I’ll give you a ring tomorrow.  Just to make sure you’re all right.”

As she gave him her mobile number, she thought how kind he was.  And good looking too.

She smiled at the memory.  Dark Gabe had called the next morning, and the next and before very long, Nora had found herself in a relationship.  And now - she stretched out a hand, admiring the glittering gold band – married just yesterday and she had rarely felt so happy.

At first, she’d had a hard time convincing him she wasn’t just a crazy lady and in the end they’d agreed on a logical solution. It must have been some passing stranger who had rescued Paddy and that it was just coincidence they had had the same name.   

Dark Gabe was entirely persuaded, and couldn’t wait to find his name-sake.

“After all, I owe the bloke a drink, if it hadn’t been for him I’d never have met you.”

 Nora had smiled, but although she went along with the idea, she was never convinced.  Deep Inside, she knew better.  Although he was not a figment of her imagination, they would never find her mystery man and maybe, that was the way it was meant to be.

 

Copyright Janet Baldey