Twilight Time

Janet Baldey

This is going to be one of my good days.  My body feels as if it’s floating just above my bed; the ache in my bones has disappeared completely and my mind feels as if it has been spring cleaned overnight. As if she is still with me and whispering in my ear, I can clearly hear my favourite carer, Sadie, telling me that she will be on duty today.  Instinctively I try to form a smile but it turns into a lopsided snarl. Nevertheless, I am happy.  At least she will treat my ancient flesh gently, not like the other one who pushed and pulled me this way and that as if I was one of the living dead; a nuisance to everyone and so far gone it didn’t matter what she did.  But she was wrong.  Although my body resembles a sack of dough, there is nothing wrong with my brain and I sussed her from the first.  All smiles to Sadie but when she turned to me her mask slipped and I saw contempt, distaste, and an obscure emotion that I struggled to process. She plucked at me with fastidious fingers as if I was infectious and all at once I flexed a muscle in my brain and knew it was fear that I sensed.  I also knew she wouldn’t be back and the knowledge comforted me.  In any case, she is quite wrong.  I’m not just a lump of flesh, I do have a life, although not one she would understand.

It’s a lovely day outside. I can tell that by the way my curtains are rimmed by light.  Soon Sadie will tap at my door and waft in like a soft summer breeze.  First, she lets the outside in and my room is filled with sunshine and the twitter of birds.  Then, she washes me and changes my bedclothes, her soft voice chattering non-stop, recounting little anecdotes and snippets of gossip she thinks I might like to hear.  I think she gets as much out of this as I do as frequently her voice deepens and she drifts towards more personal topics, problems of a domestic nature that need a solution and I like to think talking to me helps, although I never utter a word.  Then, after a kiss as light as gossamer, she is gone and I am left alone.

This, is when my life starts.  I peer into the corner nearest my bed and there is a little girl with wide, cornflower blue eyes.  She is timid, this little girl and clutches her toy rabbit to her as if it’s about to run away.  Our mother, has already washed and dressed her and she has two pigtails sticking out from the side of her head, with pink ribbons that match the colour of her dress.  My spirit leaves my shell and gently unites with hers and immediately we are one.  I have spent many happy days with her as my memories creep through the mist of years and the love that surrounded me in my infancy gives me strength.

In the next corner, the child has morphed into a gawky, awkward teenager who hates her looks and is so shy as to be almost catatonic.  She needs a lot of help that girl but in those days, children were seen, not heard so no-one noticed she was crying inside. In any case, our mother was so occupied with the problems of her second daughter, that she pushed aside her first, in many ways, the most needy. A bright girl, she found relief in self harm but was canny enough not to cut her arms instead she disfigured her thighs that nobody saw. Whenever I visit her, my memories are grey and twisted, much like the scars that decorate her upper legs and the thought of her pain saddens me.

Then, there is the harried young mother of three.  She is desperately worried about her middle daughter and I need to reassure her that all will be well and the child will grow into the most successful of all her children. But how does one calm the irrational fears that keep her awake at night?

A new day brings Sadie back again, but instead of softly wafting, she boils into the room with the force of a tornado.  Wisps of hair foam around her head and her eyes are wild.  This is not my sweet Sadie and I wonder what has happened as she rushes around the room, scattering tissues and cotton wool buds first onto the bed and then the floor.  I stare at her.  I’ve become used to reading Sadie’s lips but today they’re working overtime and her incoherence almost overwhelms me, but over the past few months, I’ve become aware that her marriage is not a happy one.  Purple bruises frequently stain her arms and occasionally her face, but fiercely loyal, she gives away very little.  Sometimes phrases like ‘Anton was in a bad mood today’ or ‘when someone upsets Anton, I pay for it’ slips from her lips but afterwards she looks ashamed and clams up.  But today is different, she almost acts as if I wasn’t there and it hurts to think I can so easily be dismissed. 

I will let you into a secret, since my immobility, I’ve developed a secret power.  By flexing a certain muscle in my brain, I can see into peoples’ lives as clearly as if I were watching a film, but I very rarely use this power,  The few times I have, I was left feeling unclean; an unwelcome usurper into peoples’ privacy, a bit like a man in a dirty raincoat.  So, knowing that, I hesitate but then decide to go ahead anyway because I must know why Sadie is so upset.

So, the movie starts to unspool.  There is a man lurching down the road and I can see by the way people flinch out of his way that he smells strongly of alcohol.  He comes to a little green gate and grasping at it with both hands he executes an unsteady right turn, almost falling over in the process.  Weaving up to the front door, he fumbles out his key and stabs at the keyhole several times before losing patience and dropping it.  With his fists, he hammers at the door.  “Lemme in, you daft cow,” I hear him roar. “I’ll giv yer ten seconds.” Immediately, the door opens and I catch a glimpse of Sadie’s face.  The man enters and there is a confusion of noise, the man’s bawling drowning out whatever she is saying.   He pushes Sadie down a narrow corridor and aims a blow but she dodges it and runs up the stairs.  “I’ll teach you,” he roars, stumbling after her. “’Yer’ll not look so pretty after I’ve finished with yer.”  But just as her husband reaches the top stair, Sadie reappears, thrusts out her arms and pushes him backwards down the stairs. I hear a sickening crack as his head connects with something hard.  A scarlet tide floods my vision and I know immediately what has happened. There is a limit to what anyone can take and my poor Sadie reached it. Because of his brutality she has been turned into a murderess.

I feel so blessed she chose to run to me but wonder why.  I try to see inside her mind but it’s a welter of confusion.  Perhaps she felt, as a woman of colour, she had no other choice but to carry on as usual until apprehended.  I know I must help her and not for the first time, rage at my paralysis although I know it’s wasted energy.  At last, she looks at me with eyes less clouded than before.  Some of her panic has receded and I flex my secret muscle as hard as I can until I see a spark of understanding.  Now, she knows she has refuge here and  soon I will show her my cache, for what use have I for money?  Later, when the hue and cry has slackened, she must go. 

As must I, for the ghosts of me have left their corners and are closer now.  Deep in the dark, I hear their voices; and know at last, it’s twilight time.

 

Copyright Janet Baldey