A Hard Life
By Janet Baldey
“Between
Tesco’s and the station, that’s where you’ll find me. Riding the pavement from
dawn till dusk. It’s a good pitch, the
best. You get a steady stream of shoppers raiding Tesco’s and later there’s
party goers back from an evening in Town.
But it’s hard being me. I thought
of getting meself a dog, for company as well as the sympathy vote, but I
wouldn’t wish my life on any animal. For starters, it’d have to put up with the
verbal abuse. Not that it bothers me, I’m used to it. It was my lullaby when I was a kid. There’s
nothing folk can say to me that I haven’t heard before.
Have you ever been
lonely? I don’t mean like if your
family are away for a bit, or you’re on your tod in a strange town - I mean really lonely. Like when you know no-one in this world gives
a toss about you. You could die in your
sleep and no-one would care, or even notice, except they would because the
pavements have to be kept clear of dead bodies, ‘cos it would never do to have
commuters tripping over them.
Sometimes I watch little kids going in and out of the
supermarket, clutching their Mum’s hand or swaying on their Dad’s shoulders and
feel I could kill for a childhood like that.
My mum never loved me. Not in the slightest. I often wonder why she never got some pills
and flushed me down the toilet when she first realised she was up the
duff. Too stoned, I suppose, or drunk,
and eventually I popped out of her fanny.
My gran took care of me. She loved me – when I was little she used to
take me to the park to feed the ducks, only I didn’t understand and ate the
bread meself.
‘No, lovie, that’s for them fellas over there, the ones
with the feathers.’ Then, she’d roar
with laughter and give me a hug.
Sometimes we made
gingerbread together. I mixed the ginger in with the flour and when she’d
rolled out the mixture, I cut out shapes of little men. Lovely, they were. We ate them straight out
of the oven, warm and crumbly they melted in yer mouth. I remember their taste
and me mouth fills with water.
Yeah. My gran loved me. Although sometimes she’d cry and stroke my
hair and call me her ‘poor little lamb’, but she’d never say why although,
looking back, I think she knew. Then, she died and left me all alone.
I lived with Mum
afterwards. At first, I didn’t
understand why Gran wasn’t there and kept crying for her. Mum use to yell at
me, said I was getting on her nerves.
She’d throw me in a bedroom and lock the door.
There was a constant stream of men coming in and out but I
never knew their names. I reckon Mum
didn’t know either ‘cuz she told me to call them all ‘Uncle’. When there was a special ‘Uncle’ expected,
Mum didn’t want to let on she had a kid so she shut me in the cellar. It was pitch black and I was terrified at
first. Later though, I got used to it,
at least no-one screamed or hit me down there.
I was always hungry but it was easy to
scavenge in our house. There was always
bits of pizza lying around and occasionally an ‘Uncle’ would send me to the
chippy.
‘Don’t bother hurrying back.’ He’d add.
So now I reckon I know every nook and cranny of this shitty town. That’s
come in handy now.
At school, no-one wanted to sit next to
me.
‘He smells, Miss….’ I reckon they’d smell if their Mum didn’t
bother to wash them or change their clothes.
But I always wanted a friend. I
hated break times when I had to hang around alone and look as if I didn’t
care. Then I noticed that all the kids
were on about their latest ‘designer’ trainers so I thought if I got some then maybe I’d fit in. That’s how I first learned to steal. I’d tag onto a family in a shoe-shop, follow
them around, then when no-one was looking, I’d sneak some trainers and scarper. The trainers didn’t always fit and anyway,
they didn’t make any difference - I still had no friends. Later, I graduated to nicking jeans and
that’s when I got caught. From then on
it was Remand Home, Children’s Home and now the streets. Story of my life.
It was about a month ago, I first
noticed her. A little girl of around five, standing looking at me. Normally, I hate kids. They pinch my money,
or kick my tin over. Others will cling onto their Mum’s arm and pretend to be
frightened. But this kid wasn’t like
that and when I looked at her, I recognised the signs - fading bruises,
stained, too-short dress and no coat.
She smiled, whispered ‘Hello’, then scuttled back to where her Mum was
yakking on her mobile. Sometimes she
seemed to be completely on her own and she’d sit down beside me and we’d
talk. Not much, but enough to realise
I’d found a friend. She’d show me stones
she’d found and I’d say they were pretty. Eventually, her Mum’d show up and
yell at her. It used to make me so sad
to see the cowed way she’d slink back.
One day she turned up with a fresh
bruise on her face.
‘What’s that?’ I said.
‘I was naughty,’ she whispered, and
that was when I made up my mind.
It’s nearly dark and the first stars are out. In the surrounding fields, pinpricks of light
jitter in mad circles and above the sky is full of the machine gun rattle of
helicopter blades. They’re searching
hard but I grin, ‘cuz they’re way off course.
As I said, I know all the rat runs in this town and they’ll never guess
where I’ve hidden her. She’s mine now
and I’ll never be lonely again.”
Copyright Janet Baldey